What is Sex?

Was it sex?
Study suggest there is no uniform consensus about what constitutes intercourse


It's a question you should likely never ask a partner: How many sexual partners have you had?

Firstly, you probably won't get an honest answer and, secondly, if you do, knowing your mate's belt-notch numbers may come back to haunt you.

But, there's one other teeny, weeny detail that wreaks havoc on couples embarking on this full-disclosure conversation. It seems we may have very different ideas about how we define sex.

Sure, to some, the definition might be as obvious as the one offered by the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, "an act performed with another for sexual gratification," but this isn't the case, according to a study by the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University.

The findings show that sex is neither black or white, but sometimes a hazy grey matter somewhere in the middle.

Suppose for a moment former U.S. president Bill Clinton wasn't lying when asked whether he'd been fooling around with then White House intern Monica Lewinsky.

Consider his response - still as famous today as when the words were first spoken - 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman."

If we were to apply the results from the recent Kinsey study, it's entirely possible that Clinton was telling the truth, at least as he saw it.

The findings, published in the journal Sexual Health, suggest there is no uniform consensus about what constitutes sex.

This means that among those surveyed, ranging in ages 18 to 96, many couldn't agree on a definition.

Get this, for 30%, oral sex didn't make the cut and for 20%, neither did anal sex.

This reminds me of a story I heard from a good friend few years ago now. Over lunch, she told me about a man she'd met up with several times. On their last date, they'd fooled around but he stopped the action before it led to intercourse. Then he came clean with the reason why - he was purely seeking oral sex and nothing else.

Turns out the dude was married and didn't want to cheat. Apparently he didn't consider hooking up with another woman for oral pleasures an act of infidelity, a viewpoint that still surprises me today.

"You've got to be kidding?" I said, rolling my eyes.

She wasn't, and neither was he. This is how he genuinely compartmentalized sexual acts. Thankfully, she broke off all ties with him and moved on to finding someone else.

While not considering oral sex to be actual sex might be surprising, this next tidbit is jaw-dropping. Some of the study's participants said they don't even consider actual intercourse between a man and woman to be sex. How on earth is this possible? Yet, in some worlds, it is.

Apparently it boils down to ejaculation.

While 95% agree that having intercourse equals having sex, that number drops to 89% if there is no ejaculation.

In other words, without the release of bodily fluids, it's as if no sex happened at all.

Back in 1999 at the height of the presidential sex scandal, the confusion surrounding sex was just as astounding.

In a similar study conducted at the time, no consensus was found among college students who were asked what sex meant to them.

Sure, for the latest sample group includes everyone from teenagers to senior citizens, but our bedroom sex-capades may be more murky and muddled today than it was over a decade ago.

"Throwing the net wider, with a more representative sample, only made it more confusing and complicated," suggests Brandon Hill, research associate at the Kinsey Institute, of the study.

"People were even less consistent across the board."